I read with interest your plans to publish a sanitized version of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn. I know that removing the “N” word is controversial, but you really just want to protect sensibilities of those who are offended by the word. I get it. So here are some other books I think you should consider altering:

1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. You know how often the word “gay” appears in this book and its sequels? In the olden days, it meant happy, or merry, or fun. But we hardly want kids of today thinking that Alcott espoused alternative lifestyles. I suggest using more modern words, like “rad” or “the bomb”. While you’re at it, the next door neighbor is named Laurie, but it’s a boy, not a girl. That could be confusing because in modern parlance, that’s a girls’ name. I suggest you change it to something more current, like Brendan.

2. Gone With The Wind. It’s hard to know where to start in the book that includes the KKK, rape within marriage, and serial marriage, but my biggest concern is Scarlett O’Hara’s obsession with her 17-inch waist. I think it could lead to eating disorders in girls. I realize that some might think this shows the vanity of the character, but we can just have her gaze in a mirror, or something.

3. Cat in the Hat. You’ve got child abandonment and stranger danger, but I’m really worried about all those things under the Cat’s hat. They look, well, foreign, even alien. Has anyone thought about how that might promote illegal immigration? Can we change the book to show that they are legal immigrants? Maybe one will have his green card visible?

I know that other art isn’t your metier, but I think you should consider expanding your sanitation project to the visual arts, too. Consider all the children who aren’t exposed to classic art because it contains nudity. Slap a pair of board shorts on the David and more people can see most of what Michelangelo wrought in stone. Or all those naked cherubim on the Sistine Chapel ceiling? a diaper or pull up would solve that problem.

In old TV shows, perhaps we can use computer technology to alter some of the things that are offensive to today’s youth (and their parents), like the constant drinking after work by men, how boys in old shows often resort to violence to deal with bullying and proudly sport black eyes after a fight, and all the smoking that goes on. We certainly can’t promote that. We can turn the cigarettes into pencils or carrots or something.

I know that there are those who will not appreciate your attempt to change art so that people aren’t offended, but I really do understand. Why shouldn’t art and literature be easy? Why should we have to consider the time and place where works were created in order to better understand the society of the time? What’s important is now, right? Not where we came from.

I’ll let you know when I’ve gone through all my other books if I’ve found more projects for you.

Best,

Lisa