Before I write this blog I want to make something very clear: I’m a white middle-aged woman who has never had to come out of a closet about anything of my own, have never felt my life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness threatened by some physiological or psychological trait. I’ve never had to hide something to make my way in the world. The closest I’ve come is dealing with the fall-out of my husband’s decision to undergo gender reassignment — and that was about wanting to avoid a pity parade from well-meaning friends and family horrified I’d had a trifecta of bad news (autistic son, big ol’ intransigent case of rheumatoid arthritis, and a girl for a husband) in a short span of time. I have had no big personal secrets I was afraid to share with anyone. Well, I think if I’d had to tell my grandmother my beloved husband was going to be my Wasband and why, there might have been some secret-keeping. But she was dead when that poop and fan collided.
I know of a woman, a thirty-something lesbian who is out to just a handful of people. She has danced around the issue with her parents, but never actually told her own personal truth to most of the people in her life. I keep thinking about this and getting alternately mad and sad. This woman doesn’t fear for her safety, her income, or her home by coming out. I am sure her fear is real, but it isn’t for her life. And I can’t stop wondering why she is willing to give up another day lying about who she is, being someone other than her true self. In the end those days add up to years — years she will never get back. I can’t believe that on her deathbed, this woman will say, “Gee, I wish I had come out later.”
Again, I don’t have skin in this game, but I hear stories like this fairly often — about a person who won’t admit this or that to him or her. I feel for these people who are so conflicted, so scared and scarred, that they can’t be true to themselves and speak that truth to others. Telling my family about the Wasband was hard, even if it wasn’t my closet door that was opening. What I learned from that experience is that life is so much easier when the truth is outed. There are no lies to tell or keep track of when you live the truth.
I don’t say anything to this group of people about their choices — they are theirs to make. But I want to shout out to every one of them: you are living a day you’ll never get back. The ease of living your life authentically — I sound like Oprah now — is yours for one day less now. Is that what you want?
